“To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.” Confucius
None of us enter a personal relationship with the expectation that it will end badly. Or at least, we shouldn’t. But we are flawed creatures. We are emotional. We are human.
We do our best and commit to being vulnerable and become open to both the beauty and the pain of love. Being completely open is the only way that we can be the best partners that we can be.
Unfortunately, being completely open will also expose our poor traits. It is on both ourselves and our partners to accept, embrace and love one another for all that we are, however good and bad. Leaving judgment at the door is critical if you are both courageous enough to be fully transparent.
Relationships consist of two people with totally separate emotional makeup and character traits. Both of you will have different weaknesses and insecurities as well as strengths and areas of competence and confidence.They will not always align with one another.
It is fairly easy to say that we want to commit to someone with the same principles that we have but without ingratiating ourselves fully into their life, and our partners, in turn, ingratiating into ours, it is difficult to know everything about prior to a full commitment.
“What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.” Brene Brown
Sometimes life gets difficult and confusing. One partner, or potentially both can become distressed and unfulfilled. Instead of digging deep and working on the issues as a collective team, we will lash out as a defense of our own insecurities and weaknesses. This is the “me” vs “us” quandary. It is a deflective tactic and one that will begin to root the element of turmoil within the relationship. It can be the beginning of the end if it isn’t recognized and rectified. This is where being humble and loving unconditionally is mandatory.
Once the deflection of personal issues begins, it creates a toxic environment and the arguing and crumbling begin. Being in the midst of this is confusing and infuriating. Most likely, there is anger, bitterness, hatred, deflection, and animosity. A collapse of the relationship can certainly follow.
Once it does, the realization and acceptance contain some disbelief and doubts. Reconciliation is on the minds of both, however minuscule or diminutive. Retaining a rational perspective is hard as emotions are at a high point. Tempers flare, distraught partners cry. A lot of this stems from the fear of the unknown. Being alone after living in the perceived comfort of a relationship is concerning. It represents a position of uncertainty and self-reliance. Man up or man down. The choice is ultimately ours to own. It is a scary proposition for most. Loneliness is a mean friend at best.
Now, it’s over and there’s no going back. Wounds need dressing and scars run deep. Personal issues have been intensified and the future appears uncertain. We begin to retract from the world where we sleep often to escape, become extremely reclusive and lack the vitality of life. We lean on our crutches and addictive behaviors. It can be a slippery slope if your perspective isn’t solidified.
“Forgive yourself for your faults and mistakes and move on.” Les Brown
But day by day, the sun begins to shine once again. The pain isn’t quite so close. The roaring flames become smoldering ashes. We give ourselves a little space. We begin the heal. We embrace ourselves with kindness, love, and strength. We regain the confidence that allows us to face the world once again. We treat both our minds and our bodies better. We begin to nourish our souls. We read positive things, we listen to positive messages and videos, we exercise and we eat clean and fresh foods.
We have journeyed and we have grown. We have learned a lot more about ourselves, our own guiding principles, our methods of communication and our tolerance. We have opened our hearts and we have loved.
It appears that we may have lost a battle but truthfully, we have won the war of beauty, truth, and enrichment.
We are so much better for it. What we have earned, we bring forward into our future relationships. We are experienced and we are seasoned. We have been wounded and survived. We have beautiful and true intentions. We understand.
We are ready to love again and this love will be a deeper, more compassionate and empathetic way of loving. It will be based upon “us” and not “I”. It will contain a greater purpose than anything we have experienced before.
And it is all because we have loved and lost in our past.
“Whatever we go through, we will go through together.” TD Jakes